Pregnancy Diary

30 weeks

He's suddenly gotten enormous and his kicks ripple across my whole belly. 

I'm waking up very easily at night now and having a hard time getting back to sleep. It doesn't help that all this travel means Kid #1's sleep is very fragmented, too. 

I can tell my lung capacity is diminished because I can't make it all the way through a hymn.

31 weeks

Don't like my new OB. (Need to chill and wait to see if I like the midwives in the practice, who I hope I'll be dealing with anyway.) Talking about this with some friends and relatives means that I'm actually thinking about the reality of giving birth. I've decided instead on an elective c-section, because I'm petrified about going through the birth process again. Truth: I'm super stressed. But not true that I'm having an elective C. 

Can't count the mornings that the kid who is out and about in the world has woken me up at 5:30 or 5:45. I can usually get him to go back to sleep, but not myself. This is truly unpleasant and makes me panicky about the possibilities when the new baby is also out and about in the world. I guess sufficient to the day is the evil thereof, right? 

32 weeks

We are useless at names this time around. I'm starting to get worried!

I think I need to call it with tennis from here on out--so much pain and pressure afterward and the next day!

​I have to pee every 5 minutes. ​

33 weeks

Nothing like waking up with a muscle cramp! Also waking now to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I guess the sleeplessness, which I anticipate continuing for a year and a half, has begun. 

A follow-up ultrasound shows everything normal after the previous ultrasound, where they wanted to keep an eye on the baby's kidneys. 

The baby is head down and has been most of the time for a while, which is reassuring. Of course, he is also turned the way he was last time that led to a long, slow, painful back labor. Need to get him to switch to the other side. Supposedly this involves never reclining on a couch, which I don't seem to be able to move away from. 

10 p.m. Should I have a drink of water to quench my parched throat? Or does the fact that by doing so I'm signing an absolute guarantee that I'll wake up to pee mean I should be thirsty all night instead? (Had the water--still thirsty.) 

I vacillate by thinking I look like the goddess of fertility, like Beyonce, and feeling incredibly put out whenever I have to get up from laying down. 

​34 weeks

I'm contemplating voluntary bed rest for the duration of this pregnancy so I can focus my attention on gestating, and an elective c-section at the end of it. All I think about is the impending labor, and there are so many bad memories from last time that are all coming back. ​

So much anxiety about labor and delivery--this is the second night I've had bad dreams about it. It doesn't help that I'm not thrilled about where I'll be delivering, and that they don't seem to be super interested in informing me about their procedures. I guess that they make you get monitored and hooked up to machines for about twenty minutes out of every hour. I don't think this will work for me--the only thing that let me make it through last time was one position that gave me less pain than the others. If I were forced to be in or around a bed, it hurt way way worse. The only alternative to this hospital in this area though is a certified nurse midwife who works out of her home. This makes me nervous, too. It's frustrating not to have good options. 

Lots of contractions this week on vacation. Definitely don't want to give birth far from home--and some of these contractions hurt! Walking in the sand really kicks then off.

35 weeks

Oh my sleep--between having contractions at night and so drinking to get rid of them, then waking to pee, then not falling back asleep, then being awakened by the thousands of people who live downstairs and my husband moving around in his sleep and the baby moving around in my belly--this is torture. Especially because I normally do not have any problems sleeping. I just need a sound proof room in which to lay in a bed and grow this baby. 

More contractions--including ones with back pain. So much anxiety that the kid will come early. Need to chill out. Also the baby needs to stay in till I can get this paper written. 

36 weeks

​Me: Super duper grumpy and uncomfortable and needy. 

Francisco: Is it possible you're further along than we thought? 

Me: No. ​

So many early contractions. For an anxious person, constantly being on baby watch is stressful. Also, I haven't yet sorted through Chester's old baby things, nor bought diapers, etc. Must prepare. Must finish this paper. If I don't prepare, the baby can't come, right?? Also--I forget what to pack for the hospital. 

37 weeks

Acid reflux. Trying out an afternoon ice cream alternative to avoid it in the evening. (Not that ice cream has ever given me reflux--it's usually the magic sweet food in this regard. But I've been waking up several nights in a row to sleep-eat a Tums, so am willing to try everything. Also, why would Tums contain sugar? They need a tooth-friendly alternative.)

Is intensely disliking all people and wanting to be alone a pregnancy phase or just an aspect of my personality? 

Francisco has decided the baby is coming soon. Why?! It could be anytime in the next month or so!

38 weeks

Acid reflux, hemorrhoids, moving slowly and lots of resting. Life is much better when I can stay in the AC. Not really sure how people lived in the olden days (and had many more children than two). I've gotta be the wimpiest pregnant lady ever. Still, better in than out--I have no illusions that all will be better post-birth!

​Woke up three times from contractions last night but this morning all is still. Weirdest lead up to labor ever. Contractions don't even make me think anything is happening anymore. ​

39 weeks

I made it to whatever 39 weeks is--full term? Gonna start getting anxious for the baby to come out in a week, I bet. I think I'm pretty crabby though--having contractions and never knowing when it's going to start for real is pretty emotionally exhausting. Thank goodness for patient husbands. 

Everyone wants to know when the baby is coming. Which would be fine, if I knew. I think I just want to be like a cat and slink off to the woods, away from everyone and come back with kittens. I guess our neighbors asked Francisco this morning as he went out for a run if he drove me to the hospital this morning, since they saw Nana waving at the car. Hilarious. I was taking the kid to preschool. And, Francisco pointed out to them, he wasn't planning to drop me off at the hospital and return home, but to stay there with me. 

​I'm at the stage of pregnancy where none of my maternity clothes fit--only about three shirts and two dresses--one of which is a housedress that I would never let anyone outside the house see me in. So frequent laundry. 

I'm so done with this--I'm not really doing anything except existing as a non-helpful blob. I think an induced coma would probably be better for everyone. ​

Sick. I think Francisco and I have a mild case of the stomach flu--it's lasting me 4 days, though, which is just adding to my fatigue. 

40 weeks

A facebook acquaintance due after me had her baby before me. This is deeply unfair, should be prohibited, and of course led to tears. 

I wish there were a baby name we liked. 

We celebrated due date date by going out for pad thai, which I've been craving, and which was a mistake in the (otherwise charming) town in which we're currently living. It was gross. But it was nice to celebrate rather than just cry. 

I'm reading a lot about Auschwitz at the moment for work, and it's really helping me keep impending labor/life with newborn in perspective. 

40+2 

I'm trying to relax and realize that wishing for the baby to come won't do anything and to trust that the baby will come when he's ready, but boy oh boy--this is just too emotional. This morning started with my cervical plug and an hour of close contractions (very painful in my back) and now absolutely nothing. 

Yeah--this is probably it--and it's probably exactly like my last labor--excruciating back pain from the beginning, proceeding ever so slowly and going on for days. Just had a long cry in the shower at the prospect of another labor like my last. Now to spend my day relaxing. (I already ate all the ice cream.) 

To be continued...