Sister Margarita Aloysius

I'm fairly certain that that's a Diet Coke that St. Cordelia is gripping as if someone would have to pry it from her hand before she'd give it up.

Excerpts from Ch. 3 of St. Margarita Aloysious to the Little Giddingites (note her use of "saint"):

"Speaking of pranks. My best black veil friend pointed out to me some weeks ago that a cardboard cutout of Elvis in a gold jumpsuit lives behind the refrigerator in the guest dining room, for reasons no one will fully explain. Now if there's one thing I learned during my time at Little Gidding, it's that you can have a whole lot of fun with a cardboard cutout. So, another impish postulant and I ... snuck into the guest dining room one night after compline and liberated Elvis. We snuck him upstairs and sat him upright in a chair in the Postulant Mistress's office. Of course we then put the chair immediately in the path of the doorway and pulled it closed. And unexpected bonus--the door fell open and terrified many of our fellow postulants who happened to walk by that night, as well as St. Mary Veronica the next morning. I assure you, nothing is stranger or scarrier than a man in a dark room inside the cloister at night. This was our starter prank. (Hat tip to Little Gidding.)"

Other notable parts include the shocking phrase (at least to my very youngly Catholic ears), "nine-year novena" (that's typically a nine-day prayer); the term, "Steubies" for the Steubenville crowd; and a quotation from Bede Jarrett: "At mass I link up with my friends again and can find you there."