Male-Female Friendship

This article (and, to be fair, most of the stuff written on this topic) made me frustrated:

And while opposite-sex friendships can provide benefits, those benefits really only apply to singles. Your guy friend can provide insights into how the male mind works, which may help you navigate your romantic life more successfully. Or—perhaps an unexpected benefit—an opposite-sex friendship could evolve into a fulfilling romantic relationship. Many solid marriages begin from a solid friendship.
But if you’re married or in a committed relationship, tread more carefully. I recommend that, after you’re married, you don’t spend time with an opposite-sex friend without your spouse. 

This opinion is unpopular, I know. “I’ve got a great guy friend I hang out with all the time!” many proclaim. “My husband doesn’t mind, and we both know nothing will ever happen!” The problem with such proclamations is they are typically made when one’s marriage is rock-solid and going great, when your love is so strong that the idea of having romantic feelings for your friend seems utterly impossible, as does the prospect of adultery. 

But you simply never know what the future will bring. Marriages hit rough spots. When they do, people often turn to their friends for emotional support. If those friends happen to be of the opposite sex, there’s a chance that a nurturing hug can turn into something more physical without either party’s having intended it. 

Sadly, my wife and I know a few people—both men and women—who ended up cheating on their spouses with a close opposite-sex friend when the above scenario played out. These people were ardent proponents of the idea that men and women can still be friends, even while married . . . right up until those friendships destroyed their marriages. 

Once you get hitched, the safest route is to spend your alone time with same-sex friends and, if you feel the need to catch up with an opposite-sex friend, have your spouse join you. Certainly not every cross-sex friendship with a married person will lead to an affair, but no one ever thinks hers will be the one that does. As a married man myself, I believe in stacking the deck as much as possible in favor of a happy, long-lasting marriage.

My frustration started with the title: "Can Men and Women Just Be Friends?" (I'm soooooooo [to channel Garance] tired of this question. When are we going to accept the obvious--that they can be--and just move on to how best this can happen.) 

And what's this idea that cross-sex friendships, as he calls them, are only useful before your married, in order to give you insight into men or help you navigate your romantic life? This gives you the idea that there's men and there's women. Knowing men is only helpful for giving you insight into that other species called men or for helping you get hitched?! This is so far from the idea that each person is unique and distinct. My friendships with men are not special to me for either of these reasons--they are special to me because of the individual, unique and wonderful people that each of these men are. All of friendship, I submit, is about knowing another person. It's not about knowing a category of people. 

Plus, as this author writes about things, the only goal is marriage, and friendship is good insofar as it's a means to that end. How horrible. Friendship is a great good on its own terms.

Moreover, the author argues that you should avoid time along with your cross-sex friend in order to avoid the possibility of adultery. Gosh, this seems to me exactly the wrong angle from which to approach this. I am eager to meet and become friends with my male friends' wives and I'm eager to introduce my closest friends (both male and female) to Francisco, not because I want to avoid having affairs with my friends, but because Francisco is my person, my partner in life, and I want to share our friendships with each other and, similarly, because I want to know and delight in my friends' partners. When my friends marry, whether male or female, I love expanding my care for my friend to include their partner. And I'm happy when my friends are eager to welcome my fiance, as well, as an extension of their care for me. 

All that to say, including Francisco in my friendships with men isn't a sacrifice or a hardship that I undergo because it will help me be faithful to him, it is a great delight and joy. In England a couple of weeks ago, Francisco and I spent a weekend with Lawrence and his wife. We've spent time with Whigwham and his wife. To me, there's nothing more wonderful than including my fiance in my friendships and in gaining more friends when one of my friends gets married.